Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
