you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
