Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
