Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
