I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
