i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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