i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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