My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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