We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
