I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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