I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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