I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
