so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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