I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
