I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
