you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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