and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
It's rum buckets o'clock
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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