does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
People in love make me want to vomit
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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