On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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