After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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