One girl and one boy is just not enough.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
