God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
