I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
