I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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