tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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