Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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