Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
