Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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