Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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