I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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