When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
