im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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