Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Found the puke drawer
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
