I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
