i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
