I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
