That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
