The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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