You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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