Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
