Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
