I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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