Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
