we made out on top of his cat.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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