My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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