the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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