I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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