If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
