the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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