I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
