When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Randomize
