conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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